Science Says You’re Destroying the Planet by Breathing. Act Accordingly.

Have you been breathing lately? Well, you better cut it out you selfish dirtbag, because you’re destroying the planet.

The New York Post reports:

Humans may be fueling global warming by breathing, a new study suggests.

“Exhaled human breath can contain small, elevated concentrations of methane (CH4) and nitrous oxide (N2O), both of which contribute to global warming,” according to research released last week in the UK  journal PLOS.

The methane and nitrous oxide exhaled by humans make up about 0.1 of the UK’s greenhouse gas emissions, the writeup said.

The gases are in addition to the carbon dioxide that humans exhale.

The study, led by Dr. Nicholas Cowan from the UK Center for Ecology and Hydrology, involved 104 adult volunteers and found that nitrous oxide was breathed out by every one of them, while 31 percent exhaled methane.

Those who did not exhale methane in their breath still probably released the gas “ion flatus,” the study said, referring to burping and flatulence.

Not sure what the esteemed Dr. Cowan expects any of us to do with these findings, but I see no viable alternative aside from dying.

Dead = no breathing. No breathing = no problems.

^^Dr. Cowan right now, probably.

And we wonder why birthrates are plummeting worldwide. I’m sure super helpful studies like this that paint humans as evil planet destroyers are really helping matters.

The study also noted that there wasn’t “a link between exhaled gases and diet.”

UH OH—who is gonna tell the vegans they are just as gassy as the rest of us?  

God made the earth and told man to be fruitful and multiply. And luckily for us, the Creator factored us breathing into the mix.

In conclusion, it’s never been easier to be a rebel. Just breathing will do the trick now. I hope you act accordingly and take a deep breath, or ten, today.