Yorkshire Village Terrorized by Bird Called Derek

There’s nothing in this world so utterly incredible as asshole birds.

You might disagree with me, and that’s fine. Certainly plenty of people from Rossington, Yorkshire do. And that’s because their children are being harassed by Derek.

Derek is a jackdaw who either gives no f*cks or way too many of them– as with most birds, it’s impossible to tell– and has a hilarious name. But reports of Derek’s behavior characterize him as charming, evil, and everything in between.

One mother said of Derek,

“If you want to try domesticate a bird like that then keep it at home because if it hurts my kids there will be hell to pay and I don’t care who that offends. The thing is a menace, attacking kids in school playground, on the street, in their own garden. If it was any other animal it would have been put to sleep following the first attack on a child.”

His epithets include “that bloody bird,” “a menace,” “demonic,” “a horrible nasty little thing,” and “an absolute terror.”

But others rushed to his defense, saying he likes the kids that give him snacks and is more than happy to chillax with those he deems worthy. One mom reported, “My daughter has told me a few times that Derek has caused all the kids to go inside at playtime at school. She said most of the kids love him.”

Others said of him, “Derek’s mint!* Just carry a bag of crisps and he will love you forever lol he just wants to be your friend!!” and “My kids were feeding him earlier, he’s ace.”

*”He’s got a heart of gold, that Derek. He’s a proper geezer, innit?” -my mother-in-law’s translation of the very Cockney slang “mint” (She does not normally talk like this.)

How Derek decides who is friend and who is foe remains unclear; even within families he has strong opinions, with another parent saying, “Derek was a regular in our garden. My young son hates him as he scratched his face. My daughter loves him. During lockdown, he was sat on her arm for well over an hour.”

Is Derek sexist? Did the young girl sneak him treats? Is there any discernable rhyme or reason to his behavior?

Probably not. Birds are pure chaos energy. You say that makes them bad, I say that makes them wonderful. You say seagulls are monsters, I say they’re visionaries. You call The Birds a horror film, I call it an uplifting tale of teamwork and friendship.

You call Derek a d*ck, I call him a national treasure.