Seattle Finally Bans Certain Straws, Because #Progress

I’m not going to lie. I always thought it’d be fun to visit Seattle some day. I’ve never been to that part of the country, and I LOVE dreary, cloudy, rainy weather. You know how most people look forward to sunshine? That’s how I feel about dreary weather. It brings such joy to my heart.

Buuuuuuut…Seattle is also a progressive hellhole. Let’s recap.

• They’ve got a sugar tax
• Their shellfish are addicted to opioids
• The city is implementing policies that are driving away businesses and therefore increasing homelessness
• Seattle cops are quitting

And now, there’s this. Seattle is banning certain straws, because #progress.

Seattle becomes first major U.S. city to ban straws https://t.co/uefv7kvZC8

— Washington Post (@washingtonpost) July 2, 2018

In one fell sip, Seattle on Sunday became the first major U.S. city to ban drinking straws, an environmentally friendly move that leaders hope will spark a nationwide conversation about small, everyday changes that people can make to protect the planet.

Clearly, this is a very business savvy move. //sarc

Now customers at grocery stores, restaurants, food trucks, even institutional cafeterias have to find another way to get liquid into their mouths. Compostable paper and plastic straws are allowed under the ban. People who have a medical need to use a straw are exempt.

Oh, thank goodness for the medical exception!

Failure to comply may result in a $250 fine, although city leaders told the Times that the initial phase of the law is more about raising awareness.

“Raising awareness.” = telling you what to do

As an added bonus, this will really address the whole homelessness problem over there too. (Except no it won’t.)

Wait. What?

Who is going to enforce this? https://t.co/0aAUJglRkI

— RBe (@RBPundit) July 2, 2018

The straw police, obviously.

Politician: “How do we make Seattle suck less?”

Guy who enjoys actuallying and literalling on the Internet: “EUREKA” https://t.co/POXAKjeK0j

— Cuffy (@CuffyMeh) July 2, 2018

LMAO

There is going to be an underground economy of straws in Seattle and im here for it….

Old and busted: Going after teens selling single cigs on a street corner

New Hotness: Swatting a juice box out of the hands of a 4 yr old as he enjoys his happy meal https://t.co/hfnyAKYmis

— Mujahed (@kebejay) July 2, 2018

Seattle’s creating a black market for plastic straws. Just saying. PS– I freaking LOVE straws.

*Tries to put a straw in a juice box in Seattle* pic.twitter.com/2ms6wiUcne

— Mujahed (@kebejay) July 2, 2018

They really need to make up their mind if they want an all encompassing overbearing state or not https://t.co/0F8eJQTRnU

— Stephen Miller (@redsteeze) July 2, 2018

Liberals: “OMG, you can’t detain people who are entering the country illegally!! ABOLISH ICE!”

Also, Liberals: “Cops will be giving you a $250 ticket if you use a straw.”

— RBe (@RBPundit) July 2, 2018

Sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.

Progressivism, everyone.

h/t WaPo