The Best Way To Celebrate Women’s Day

It’s International Women’s Day. In countries that haven’t been bombarded with progressive ideologies, it’s a day to celebrate the values and experiences unique to women, like motherhood and femininity, and the female trailblazers who’ve managed to capture our hearts and minds with their accomplishments and their tenacious life stories.

In America, we’ll watch virtue-signaling companies try to find the right balance between bowing to women while not offending “womxn” or “women born with penises”, and celebrating women in history who may not have accomplished anything substantial but who had the foresight to ascribe to what are now the most important victim classes. They’ll have to exclude all conservative women while including anyone who says they’re a woman even if they don’t act or look like one. Then they have to exclude but not ostracize anyone who looks like a woman but says they aren’t. Where delineation is unclear, abortion is the deciding factor. Inevitably a few businesses will miss the mark, offend someone, and spend the rest of the month setting up sensitivity training. I have to say, I’m pretty excited to see how to unfolds.

If I were more forward thinking I would have put out a big call to praise conservative female leaders throughout the month of March. There’s nothing quite like watching the party that claims to support women get vicious and nasty when they’re confronted by women with conservative views. Where I see a well-educated, classy, thought-provoking speaker, they see a white supremacist. Even if the speaker is black. It would genuinely be fascinating if they weren’t so damned annoying about it all the time.

Women’s Day is simply one more reminder that the left is about as deep as a Dollar Store kiddie pool. As Cher in Clueless. As Joe Biden any time he speaks publicly. Just seriously NOT deep. It used to be that the left judged people for their skin color or gender. Well now they’ve gone so far as to judge you by your job, your appearance, your thoughts, or even if you use the acceptable words.

Students and Starbucks baristas are fine people but lawyers and bankers have to virtue signal extra hard to prove their worth. Basically anyone with an actual career must atone for being successful. These are the kinds of dick-for-brains individuals that give the book “White Fragility” to their friends for Christmas. Total twats. Red hats are clearly bad, and leftists may not wait to see what’s written on it before they attack. Cowboy hats are akin to a white hood these days, so be prepared to stand up for yourself in public when you wear one. If you have a pink, half-shaved bob you can probably pull the cowboy hat off. Worn ironically, of course.

This may sound like kindergarten thinking, and that’s because it is. Progressives have actually said that speech is violence, but also silence is violence. No one can’t win with those kinds of rules. It’s why the left cancels itself nearly as often as it tries to cancel people on the right.

And that means there’s nothing to do this Women’s Day besides whatever the hell I wanted to do anyway. It’s basically a regular Monday.

But since we’re celebrating people, one of the ones I pick is my husband. Nah, nah, nah, hear me out!

According the left, he’s a woman if he says he is. He totally wore a tutu once when he was the Tooth Fairy for Halloween, and that’s as good as dressing in drag. He’ll answer to “Sugar tits” if I call him that and he’s addicted to dark chocolate. I mean come on, he’s practically a sorority sister.

So for one day I’m going to give my caveman, Russian husband a girl name and call him Annika. I used to be obsessed with Annika and the Pippi Longstocking books when I was a kid. Look them up, they’re hilarious. My husband, renamed Annika on Monday, will likely be confused but he’ll just shake his head and go with it. I do weird things often…

Annika is currently out of town with his team, so when he FaceTimes I’ll be able to thank all of them for their military service and for being strong positive examples for young girls everywhere. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I can come up with fitting girl names for all of them. I’m seriously KILLING it for Women’s Day. *Pats manicured hand on back*

Since dad isn’t home for the kids to see an empowered woman in action, I’m going to embrace my inner June Cleaver and cook breakfast and dinner in heels and an apron. Not lunch though, that would be too much. I’ve been teaching the kids to cook, so now is a perfect time to practice making one of dad’s favorite meals for when he gets home. After a long day of work, a woman like him should be able to put his feet up and relax in a welcoming environment. He’s not just empowered, we’re actively empowering him. Women’s Day is a fantastic idea!

I can’t just celebrate the women who don’t have uteruses, I think it’s only right to acknowledge remarkable women like my mother in-law. She’s a conservative immigrant with old-fashioned values, so I know the left doesn’t support her and that just makes it all the more rewarding. Maybe we’ll have a group call with Annika for a little girl chat.

My own mother is fairly liberal (yes, she knows I think it’s dumb). I don’t know where she falls on the leftist’s praise/hate scale. She’s a black liberal so that’s worth hella cool points, but she raised a black conservative which is worse than raising a white supremacist. It’s kinds of hard to say where leftists will label her, but she’ll be celebrated nonetheless. I know that, as she is a single mom, I should wait to celebrate to celebrate her on Father’s Day like social media insists on doing, but I’ve never really gotten on that trend.

I KNOW! I’ll ask her to help me come up with some more extensive ways to celebrate my husband on Women’s Day. She’s going to LOVE that. She may actually scream. I’m squealing, this is perfect.

I don’t know, I think I can dig these leftist rules of anything goes. If you can’t beat them, join them. Or, if they’re too stupid to realize they’re beating themselves, it’s only fair to entertain yourself at their expense in the meantime. Happy Women’s Day to literally everyone reading this. If you’re already a woman go forth and be womanly AF, and if you’re a man, congratulations, you too are a woman. Today is YOUR day. You’re a smart, strong, sexy bitch no matter what anyone says. Go flaunt it.