CDC Issues Warning About Aggressive Rats

Looks like even the rodents are sick of lockdown.

The CDC recently issued new guidelines to address the very pissed off rats that are taking cities by storm as their regular food sources have been shut down for months.

“Rodents rely on the food and waste generated by these establishments. Community-wide closures have led to a decrease in food available to rodents, especially in dense commercial areas,” said the CDC guidance. “Some jurisdictions have reported an increase in rodent activity as rodents search for new sources of food. Environmental health and rodent control programs may see an increase in service requests related to rodents and reports of unusual or aggressive rodent behavior.”

These magnificent trash beasts. Ever pleased to humbly nibble on our scraps and remains, when we stop throwing them a bone (literally) they get MAD. Like, rival-army cannibalizing mad. According to urban rodentologist (read: my new dream job) Bobby Corrigan, hungry rats get real ugly real fast.

“It’s just like we’ve seen in the history of mankind, where people try to take over lands and they come in with militaries and armies and fight to the death, literally, for who’s going to conquer that land. And that’s what happens with rats,” said Corrigan. “A new ‘army’ of rats come in, and whichever army has the strongest rats is going to conquer that area.”

“They’re mammals just like you and I, and so when you’re really, really hungry, you’re not going to act the same — you’re going to act very bad, usually,” said Corrigan, who also mentioned that rats are designed to find “food molecules like heat-seeking missiles.”

Now we just need to start tracking these groups so we can place bets on which family will lead the Rat Mafia. I’ll give you 5:1 odds on the Rat-in Kings.

I LOVE RATS SO MUCH.