
When Heather Barwick was just a toddler, her mom left her father and moved in with her female partner. Barwick was raised by the two women but admitted something was missing. She wrote a controversial essay for The Federalist titled, “Dear Gay Community: Your Kids Are Hurting.” It’s worth a read, because it’s so genuine. And it’s not coming from some chick who’s speaking out on the issue based on book knowledge. She experienced it. She lived it.
I’m writing to you because I’m letting myself out of the closet: I don’t support gay marriage. But it might not be for the reasons that you think.
While she said she loved her mom’s partner very much, it didn’t fulfill her longing to have her father in her life.
It’s not because you’re gay. I love you, so much. It’s because of the nature of the same-sex relationship itself.
It’s only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional marriage and parenting.
Growing up, and even into my 20s, I supported and advocated for gay marriage. It’s only with some time and distance from my childhood that I’m able to reflect on my experiences and recognize the long-term consequences that same-sex parenting had on me. And it’s only now, as I watch my children loving and being loved by their father each day, that I can see the beauty and wisdom in traditional marriage and parenting.
Same-sex marriage and parenting withholds either a mother or father from a child while telling him or her that it doesn’t matter. That it’s all the same. But it’s not. A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My father’s absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a dad. I loved my mom’s partner, but another mom could never have replaced the father I lost.
She said the idea that same sex marriage is the same as traditional marriage is a lie.
I’m not saying that you can’t be good parents. You can. I had one of the best. I’m also not saying that being raised by straight parents means everything will turn out okay. We know there are so many different ways that the family unit can break down and cause kids to suffer: divorce, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, death, etc. But by and large, the best and most successful family structure is one in which kids are being raised by both their mother and father.
But this is one of the sections that struck me the most. She wrote that, “Gay marriage doesn’t just redefine marriage, but also parenting. It promotes and normalizes a family structure that necessarily denies us something precious and foundational. It denies us something we need and long for, while at the same time tells us that we don’t need what we naturally crave. That we will be okay. But we’re not. We’re hurting.”
She nails it. It’s not just about opposing a lifestyle choice. Honestly, I don’t care what people do in their private lives. That’s totally their prerogative. And I remain convinced that conservatives only push back so hard on homosexual issues because liberals are constantly trying to shove the politically correct pronouns, gender identities, and family structure down our throats. When that’s happening on a daily basis, you can’t help but expect the opposition to go on defense.
As a conservative, I believe that the traditional family structure is a fundamental building block of our society. It’s essential, really. I firmly believe that the breakdown of the traditional family is one of the primary reasons this country is so screwed up right now.
This isn’t about hate at all. I know you understand the pain of a label that doesn’t fit and the pain of a label that is used to malign or silence you. And I know that you really have been hated and that you really have been hurt. I was there, at the marches, when they held up signs that said, “God hates fags” and “AIDS cures homosexuality.” I cried and turned hot with anger right there in the street with you. But that’s not me. That’s not us.
I know this is a hard conversation. But we need to talk about it. If anyone can talk about hard things, it’s us. You taught me that.
I absolutely love her honesty. Because seriously. Why can’t we have civil conversations about these issues? Why can’t we talk about it without one side screaming, “YOU’RE A JUST A HOMOPHOBE” or another side saying “GOD HATES HOMOSEXUALS.” (Which btw isn’t true. It’s the goodness of God that leads men to repentance. God is love. FYI.) And if you were curious about the Chicks’ official statement on gay marriage, look no further.
Barwick was also one of six who signed this letter in support of Dolce and Gabbana for speaking out against gay marriage, gay parenting and surrogacy.
Dear Dolce and Gabbana,
Greetings from the United States. The six signers of this letter were all raised by gay and lesbian parents. Five of us are women and one is a queer man, though we all raised our children with their opposite-sex parents. We want to thank you for giving voice to something that we learned by experience: Every human being has a mother and a father, and to cut either from a child’s life is to rob the child of dignity, humanity, and equality.
We know that gay parents can be loving, since we loved our parents and they loved us. Nonetheless, we have all had firsthand experience with the harsh backlash that follows when the dominant view of “gay parenting” as universally positive is questioned. We know that you will come under tremendous pressure, especially now when both Italy and the United States are being pushed to override our concerns for our rights to a mom and dad, in order to please a powerful gay lobby.
Nobody receives more vicious attacks from the lobby than those who come from the gay community and question its policies: children of gay couples just as much as the gay men who defend them (like the two of you). In all likelihood many in the international community will try to get your shows cancelled, your advertisements censored, and your reputation destroyed online. You have shown yourselves to be extremely brave. You have given us great inspiration as all six of us prepare to submit letters to the US Supreme Court against gay marriage.
We want to praise your courage and thank you for your inspiration. We also implore you not to surrender when the backlash grows in intensity. If you back down from what you said and apologize, it will leave the children of gay homes even more vulnerable and discredited. It is important for our sake, for the sake of Italian children as well, that you not apologize or capitulate. Please support the idea that all children need to be bonded with their mothers and fathers. It is a human right.
If we can help you in any way, please, let us know. We are not all Christian but we want to send you our blessings, and we promise that we will be lifelong buyers of Dolce and Gabbana from now on.
Heather Barwick, contributor to Federalist
Rivka Edelman, co-author of Jephthah’s Daughters: Innocent Casualties in the War for Family Equality
Katy Faust, writer at asktheBigot
Robert Oscar Lopez, co-author of Jephthah’s Daughters: Innocent Casualties in the War for Family Equality
Denise Shick, author of My Daddy’s Secret
Dawn Stefanowicz, author of Fuori Dal Buio: La Mia Vita Con Un Padre Gay