BREAKING: Jury Sides With Johnny Depp in Defamation Trial

After weeks of testimony in Johnny Depp’s defamation case against Amber Heard, the verdict is in.

Amber is a lying hag.

Okay so that’s not what they said word for word, but they awarded Depp $15 million: $10 million in compensatory damages and $5 million in punitive damages.

Depp sued Heard for defamation after she wrote a piece for WaPo about how she was a victim of domestic abuse, allegations which were shown to be pretty patently untrue. Nevertheless, in a statement, Heard expressed butthurtedness that the “mountain of evidence” failed to “stand up to the disproportionate power, influence, and sway of my ex-husband.” I’m not sure what evidence she is referring to, because the evidence the rest of the world heard painted a pretty clear picture that she was abusive (including AMBER HEARD SAYING SHE HIT JOHNNY DEPP) and not abused. But a (wo)man hears what (s)he wants to hear and disregards the rest, I suppose.

As a silver lining for the former Aquaman star, Heard is also being awarded $2 million in damages, which I feel like should be paid by herself, since the entire ordeal was entirely self-inflicted.

You can’t be sued for defamation if you don’t defame people, Amber.

This is a win not only for Johnny Depp, but also for his superstar of an attorney Camille Vasquez, who rose to prominence through her incredible attorneying and, let’s be honest, hair. But most importantly, this is a win for all of us, because now we can finally stop paying attention to these ridiculous celebrities and their soap opera problems. Cheers, y’all!