Indian Officials Deploy Catapults to Defend Trumps from Aggressive Monkeys

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, and this headline is one of those times.

Donald and Melania Trump are off to India, and one of their stops will be at the awe-inspiring Taj Mahal in Agra. The visit promises to be charming and delightful– at least as long as the monkey resistance holds strong.

Agra’s local administration and the federal government. . . are leaving nothing to chance to protect the US president from the 500-700 rhesus macaques, descendants of those who inhabited the area when it was a jungle centuries earlier.

“The forest department too has been requested to ensure that monkeys stay away from the Taj during Trump’s visit,” said Vasant Kumar Swarnkar of the Archaeological Survey of India, which looks after Indian historical monuments.

Officials said an elaborate CISF “grid”, selected for their prowess with catapults, alongside US Secret Service personnel and Indian security commandoes, are expected to ring the first couple against the simians which, over decades, have lost all fear of humans – irrespective of their importance or stature.

Important to note is that there is no intel on what, exactly, is going to be catapulted, so I have to assume it’s the monkeys themselves.

Macaques, for reference, average about 15 lbs., qualifying them as “little assholes.” The IUCN categorizes their conservation status as “least concern,” which I think is code for “please God someone start killing off these bastards before it’s too late.”

They’ve been terrorizing people at the Taj Mahal and surrounding towns for decades, apparently, but authorities have been largely unable to deal with the marauding gangs of primates because of their association with the Hindu monkey-god Hanuman. Which is sort of a long-winded way of saying that India belongs to the macaques now.

In addition to stationing anti-monkey catapults around the Taj Mahal, India’s preparation for the POTUS and FLOTUS’s arrival includes dumping over 17 million liters of water into the nearby Jumna River to alleviate the horrid smell of polution which it habitually radiates, as well as putting up screens along the road from the airport to the Taj Mahal to obscure the view into various slums and shantytowns. Which should work like a charm, provided the monkeys don’t tear them down.

Let me be clear, I don’t want any harm to befall the First Family, the Indian officials responsible for holding the monkeys at bay, or even the macaques themselves (assholes though they may be). But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping there’s some sort of incident. The opportunity for hilarity is too great to pass up.