Somehow Mike Bloomberg Is Polling Higher Than Most Democratic Candidates

You know your party is in dire straits when you have 18 billion candidates, and the newest person to join is already beating most of them.

You know it’s even worse when that person is Mike Bloomberg.

RIP Democrats, because yes, somehow, former New York Mayor Bloomberg is coming in the top half of most recent polls.

This is despite the fact that the field is already overcrowded and no one wanted yet another hat tossed in the ring, and also despite the fact that this hat belongs to the 14th wealthiest person in the world, and also also despite the fact that it’s Mike Bloomberg and he looks like a turtle.

A Hill-HarrisX poll shows Biden still leading with 28%, followed by Bernie Sanders at 16%, unsure at 12%, then Warren and Bloomberg tied at 11%.

What does that say about you and your party when the only candidates polling better than “unsure” are two white men as old as time?

I’m starting to think all this “progressive inclusion” bullsh*t is a load of bullsh*t.

RealClear Politics shows a similar but perhaps more realistic picture, in which Joe Biden is still in the lead and Bloomberg is sitting at 5th place with 5.6%, behind Biden, Sanders, Warren, and Pete Buttigieg, in that order.

God, can you imagine being one of those 84 other candidates who have been busting their butts for months only to be polling behind a guy who joined the race 15 minutes ago?

Or even worse, being a candidate who already dropped out, having never even reached those numbers? Or even worse than that, being Beto O’Rourke??

Bloomberg’s strategy seems to be focused on dumping some of his billions on advertising (about $100 million so far).

He’s using that money on things like TV commercials that I have to watch between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy!

You know, the kind of commercials wherein he takes credit for increasing life expectancy and decreasing infant mortality, despite the fact that these are worldwide trends that have been going on for decades, if not all of human existence.

Taking credit for something like that is as insane as claiming to have invented the internet or promising to single-handedly end rising sea levels.

. . . Wait a second. I’m starting to think there could be a pattern here.