Attention Townspeople: Being An American Socialist Is, Like, Super POSH…

Are you aching to be a bloated, hypocritical socialist a$$hat like Michael Moore? Do you want to bask in the amazing fruits of capitalism but then turn around and b*tch and moan to all of your American family and friends about how much the free market blows chunks, while simultaneously sucking down your Starbucks almond milk latte and buying that totally awesome Che t-shirt from Urban Outfitters on your next generation iPhone?

Like OMG, you too, can espouse “equality” and “redistribution” and all that other stuff that’s worked SO WELL everywhere else it’s been tried at the 2018 national Socialism conference in Chicago!

That’s right, Man-Bun McGee.  You may even feel that Bern you’ve so longed to feel deep in your beta-male loins.

This year, rates top out at more than $200 per person, and the hosting hotel is a whopping $400 per night — all for a conference dedicated to making the world a more “equal” place.

Sounds downright magical.  Feeling tingly yet?

Here’s the thing, though…I don’t want to burst anyone’s “I feel week when I hear the words free-crap” bubble, but the cheapest “student” ticket to go to workshops (?) and whatnot is around $50 (which is more than three times the average monthly wage in socialist Cuba…huh), and then you have to stay at a hotel, of course, because it’s not like you’re going to sleep somewhere without 300-count sheets (that’s what your Mom and Dad have in their house, amirite?):

The hosting hotel, the Hyatt Regency McCormick Place, has a room rate of around $355 per night for the conference, according to Hotels.com.

Oh snap.  Who’s calling Uncle Bernie?  Is he going to cover the rooms for everyone?  What about Michael Moore?  He’s worth $50 Million.  Surely he can just write everyone a check, since he doesn’t give a Flying Uncle Fester about money.

I won’t hold my breath, though.

Also, keep in mind that the Hyatt is a four-star hotel that has “two restaurants, a pool and fitness center, and exceptional views of downtown Chicago and Lake Michigan. Each room features quality bedding, a flat-screen TV, and free wifi.”

Because of course it has all of those amenities.  Especially the free wifi, yo.

Meanwhile, in socialist Venezuela, inflation just hit 13,779%, the people are starving, and they’re butchering freaking zoo animals to stay alive.

But listen, Bernbots.  Y’all have fun at your posh little convention in a capitalist America.  Make sure you tweet about it on your capitalist-made-and-bought gadgets, too.

That’ll be cute.

As always, the grownups will be over here working and mocking you.  Because wow.