Have you heard of Omegle? It’s basically a site where you can just go randomly have convos with strangers. It’s like a giant sociological experiment. Waaaaaay back in the day, I had another site where I posted all kinds of mockery of celebrities and freakshows and random stories about all kinds of nothing, and somehow, I ended up thinking it’d be fun if I were able to have random chats with strangers and post transcripts of the conversations. I ended up having at least 2-3 conversations that were actually legit delightful, and the audience at the time seemed to enjoy reading the transcripts. But this one stood out, because of the nakedness.
BEHOLD (I am the “You” in this chat, and the stranger is…well, the stranger). Also warning – some sexual content:
Stranger: Hey
Stranger: How are you?
You: I’m well, and you?
Stranger: I’m well too
You: excellent
Stranger: Very cool
Stranger: Where ya from?
Stranger: England?
Narrator Note: Omegle is (or at least was – I have no idea what it’s like these days) very very popular in England. I also had a chat back in the day with a lovely 17 year old student who taught me really awesome British slang words like “poofter” and “tosser.” So it’s actually not altogether odd that this particular stranger asked if I was from England.
You: Indiana
Stranger: Sweet
Stranger: (naked photo)<– That’s me
Narrator Note: I didn’t save the photo of his junk. Sorry. 🙂 But it was literally just a picture of his junk. Close up.
You: that’s you, huh?
Stranger: Yeah
You: where are you from?
Stranger: North Carolina
You: so, is it standard practice for you to share naked pics of yourself within the first 2 seconds of a conversation with a stranger?
Stranger: Yeah, mostly
You: and what is the typical reaction when you do that?
Stranger: Either disgust, interest, or some combination of the two
You: what do you HOPE will be the reaction?
Stranger: (pic of a girl’s boobs) <– this
Narrator Note: I also didn’t save the pic of the boobs. Sorry. 🙂
You: So like, if a girl then sends you a pic of her boobs, then what?
Stranger: I beat off, usually. And consider my day a success
You: But why come here to do that? Why not just look at porn? I’m fascinated by this.
Stranger: Pornography is so staged.
You: surely there’s natural looking porn out there
Stranger: The girls are fake, the tits are fake…I can’t suspend disbelief
You: so it’s the interaction that you’re looking for?
Stranger: Not particularly. It’s the knowledge of absolute authenticity
You: Oh. Well, that’s honest. This is a learning moment for me
Stranger: There’s always this sense of an artificial fourth wall in porn. I just can’t build it.
You: Well, I’m terribly sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have random naked pics of me readily available to share.
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: It’s okay
Stranger: Are you even female?
You: yes, I am
You: BUT I’m like, really old
Narrator Note: This conversation took place in the summer of 2009, back when I thought I was old but was actually not. Because I am freaking ANCIENT now.
You: I’m probably in “cougar” territory even
Stranger: I’m actually attracted to cougars =)
You: really – and what age do you think an attractive cougar can max out at?
Stranger: Honestly?
You: sure
Stranger: 50
You: wow
You: Even I think that’s old
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I’ve seen some 50-year-olds that I’m quite attracted to
Stranger: Pamela Anderson
You: well, that’s refreshing.
You: pam anderson’s not anywhere close to 50
Stranger: I shouldn’t have said that
Stranger: Tilda Swinton
You: GET OUT
Stranger: She’s 48
You: but she looks like the dude from the movie Powder
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: In the Narnia movies I found her oddly attractive
You: wow – I never would have put Pam Anderson and Tilda Swinton in the same category
Stranger: I don’t
Stranger: I shouldn’t have said Pam Anderson
Stranger: I’m really not attracted to her at all
You: how old are you?
Stranger: 22
You: and do you have a relationship with a woman right now?
Stranger: Not at the moment
Stranger: If I did I’d be railing her
You: why don’t you have a relationship?
Stranger: Well, my last relationship was rather harsh
You: harsh how
Stranger: Didn’t end well
Stranger: At all
Stranger: With a lot of hurt feelings
Stranger: When I’m in a relationship I tend to get too emotionally attached. I’m not needy–somewhat the opposite–but I do kinda fall easily.
You: nothing wrong with that unless you’re a cling-on
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: I’m not a cling-on
You: so who messed up?
Stranger: I ended it, and I’m glad I ended it.
Stranger: But it was still difficult…I guess that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.
You: how long was it?
You: the relationship
Stranger: 8 months
You: so when you’re not omegling and sending naked pics of yourself to strangers, what are you doing? Like – in life?
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I’m a skydiver
You: get out
Stranger: That’s really my true passion
You: for real?
Stranger: Yes
You: you jump out of the sky
Stranger: I jump a Triathlon 160
You: how many times have you done that?
Stranger: with a Mirage M4 container
Stranger: I’m just a beginner…22 jumps so far
You: I have no idea what you just said – but I’m sure that’s really cool.
Stranger: I’m a fan of rock climbing
You: you have jumped out of the sky TWENTY TWO TIMES????
You: that is insane
Stranger: Haha
Stranger: It’s really not much
Stranger: I jump with a guy with about 10,000 jumps
You: wow
Stranger: He was a pro for a while
You: wait
You: you can make money jumping out of the sky?
Stranger: IS a pro, I guess–he’s an instructor
Stranger: Yes you can
Stranger: Being an instructor
Stranger: and exhibition jumps
You: I had no idea
You: What do you do for work?
Stranger: Software engineer
Stranger: Typical, I know
You: do you like it?
Stranger: I do
Stranger: I’ve always been a logical person
You: You sound quite logical
Stranger: And that’s really perfect for software engineering
You: you’re like spock. Only naked.
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: I like Star Trek as well
Stranger: Though I’m more of a TNG guy
You: I’m almost embarrassed that I know what that stands for
Stranger: Actually I’ve been watching some of the original episodes lately. Really enjoyed them.
You: so do people use omegle to actually develop relationships ever, do you think?
Stranger: Hahaha, nah
Stranger: Well
You: or do you think they just like the 15 minute intro
Stranger: I’m sure it’s happened
You: and that’s it
You: like – how crazy would it be if some married couple was like, “We met on omegle!”
Stranger: I don’t ALWAYS send my dick to people
Stranger: It’s half-trolling
You: How do you choose who you’re going to send it to?
Stranger: Coin flip.
Stranger: Haha, not really
You: Ah. So I just got lucky then.
Stranger: I don’t know. Whenever I feel like it, I guess
You: Well, you’ll be pleased to know that yours is the first dick I’ve been shown on omegle.
You: So I guess my omegle cherry has been broken
Stranger: Well I feel honored.
Stranger: Exactly….I’m now the owner of your omegle-dick-virginity
Stranger: So
Stranger: How old are you?
You: 39
Stranger: Nice
You: for real too – like I’m not just saying 39
You: you know – like women will do in their 40’s when they WANT to be 39
You: BUT I am turning 40 in 19 days
Stranger: Hahaha I believe you. You’re much more intelligent than the average Omegle’r…that usually comes from maturity.
Stranger: There are lots of cute 40-year-olds
You: Well, happily I don’t feel 39
Stranger: Very cool
Stranger: I’d like to see ya.
You: Well, I’m all private and a total goober about stuff like that though
Stranger: I won’t share =)
You: I could tell you the name of my blog, and lumped in there in a few different places is pics/video of me
You: Just go to (old website)
Stranger: Mockerena?
You: yup!
You: that’s me
Stranger: Holy hell
Stranger: You’re very cute
Stranger: You should send me something more risque.
You: I don’t have anything more risque, because I’m a sweet pure and chaste girl
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: Aaaah, you’re beautiful, but I think this angel might have a demon’s horns under her halo ;-
You: well, you might be right about that, but I AM married, you see, so only my husband gets to see the horns.
Stranger: Aaaaaaaaah, unlucky for me.
Stranger: Lucky for him, though. Very lucky.
You: now see – that’s just silly, because you yourself said that no one here actually gets into relationships
You: it’s just chatter!!
Stranger: Hahaha, I’m not after a relationship
You: I didn’t figure you were, seeing as how I was introduced to your penis in the first 5 seconds of this conversation.
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: That is generally one of those red flags
Stranger: …really in any situation
You: you’re funny
Stranger: Haha, you too. I’ve been browsing your site.
You: you’ll notice I’m not a fan of Ashley Judd
Stranger: Ashley Judd has fans?
You: HA
You: I knew I liked you for a reason
Stranger: If I meet someone who has something more than the intelligence of a rock, I pretty much assume that Ashley Judd/Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton/<insert spoiled drug whore here> fandom is out the window.
You: That’s probably a pretty good system
Stranger: It’s yet to fail
Stranger: So what do you do for a living, Mockerena?
Narrator Note: Again, this was back in 2009, when I had a whole other regular corporate job.
You: I work in Human Resources
Stranger: Oh God
You: what?
You: is that bad?
Stranger: Haha…as an engineer, HR departments are second on the list of “most hated entities at work”
You: OMG I know
You: but I am like the most unusual HR person ever
Stranger: You’re just below Marketing
Stranger: I work at an HR company, actually and our HR department is just awful
Stranger: What’s your company’s core business?
You: consulting
Stranger: Software?
You: nope – management
Stranger: Aaaah, very cool
Stranger: So the type of people who use the words “synergy” and “workflow priorities”
You: TOTALLY
You: omg
You: laughing so hard right now
You: and they say, “let’s make that presentation sexier”
Stranger: (Management is #3 on the list)
Stranger: So I’m curious
Stranger: Who do you guys use for background checking?
You: You know what? i have no idea – that’s not my area
Stranger: Workplace screening, onboarding, that sort of thing.
Stranger: Aaah, I see
You: I mostly deal with recruiting and benefits
Stranger: Shit, I meant employee screening
Stranger: I was trying to throw a sales pitch to you
You: I could tell.
Stranger: I usually begin sales pitches with pictures of genitalia.
You: first time ever that a software engineer has tried to sell something to me by showing their penis
You: you’re hilarious
Stranger: I guess you haven’t met many software engineers
You: Hey – since you’re a young 20-something, does that mean that you’re one of those obama-loving liberals?
Stranger: Hmm.
Stranger: I’m a person who thinks about his political beliefs and chooses what he feels is best. Currently, those do lie left of center.
You: ok – well crap, I was going to tell you about my other site – but you’ll probably hate it
Stranger: The bailouts are really bothering me.
You: HATE the bailouts
You: don’t even get me started
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: I’d love to see the site
You: chicksontheright.com
Stranger: I hate hippies
Stranger: And I hate people who think Obama’s a rock star
You: ME TOO
Stranger: Because it makes other liberals look stupid
You: You sound like a very reasonable left of center person
You: and you should TOTALLY comment there too
Stranger: However…I also hate right-wingers who cling to their bibles and tell me what I can and can’t do in my bedroom
Stranger: It’s the social conservatism that gets me
Stranger: More than anything, I value civil discourse
You: then you should DEFINITELY comment on chicksontheright.com
Stranger: Do you know if it’s Websensed?
You: what’s websensed?
Stranger: Aaah…nevermind
You: no – tell!
Stranger: Blocked by internet filtering software
Stranger: So I can visit at work
You: oh – I can’t imagine that it is
Stranger: That’s when I do a lot of my catching up on blogs
You: I’m sure you can see it
Stranger: Very cool
You: So – if you do decide to comment,what name will you use so I know it’s you?
Stranger: The Naked Guy
You: PERFECT
You: YAY!
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: I’m an environmentalist, but the kind that fucking hates the word “environmentalist” and hates Greenpeace
Stranger: I’m STRONGLY pro-genetically modified foods
Stranger: and STRONGLY pro-nuclear
You: OMG – have you seen the youtube video of the people crying over trees?
Stranger: Hahaha
You: it’s hysterical
Stranger: Oh god
Stranger: Those people aren’t environmentalists
You: I love those tree crying people.
Stranger: Nuclear’s green energy. Nobody realizes that
You: But cap and trade? Total farce.
Stranger: Here’s the reason I like cap-and-trade….green energy HAS to be made financially viable, or nobody will use it
Stranger: That’s the basis of capitalism, really
Stranger: Cap-and-trade allows some industries that HAVE to pollute to continue polluting…however, provides economic encouragement to cut their emissions
Stranger: Plus, it gives us a means to regulate the total amount of pollutant in the country
You: but it’s not encouragement so much as it is penalties
You: and it directly affects the consumers
You: by increasing energy costs by a whole bunch
You: so it’s disingenuous when Obama says he’s cutting taxes for 95% of people
You: when our power bills are about to skyrocket
Stranger: I don’t know if they’ll skyrocket…and “disingenuous” is the name of the political game
Stranger: You’d love our governor (I lied about being from Georgia or wherever…I’m really from SC)
Stranger: Good ol’ Mark Sanford
You: I think you said NC
Stranger: Aaaah
Stranger: Well
Stranger: I lied
Stranger: When you’re naked, it’s best to be discreet about your location
You: HA
You: did you ever think you’d get on omegle tonight, flash your penis, and then end up talking politics?
Stranger: I did not
Stranger: But on the other hand
Stranger: Did you think you’d get on omegle tonight, GET flashed, and then end up talking politics?
You: exactly
You: LOVE
Stranger: Hahaha
You: Somehow, I feel like I got the better end of the deal.
You: I cannot get over the fact that you’ve jumped out of the sky
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: It’s addictive
You: I am totally afraid of heights
Stranger: Y’know…at 14,000 feet, you can’t even tell how high you are.
You: but you can tell you’re HIGH
Stranger: Hahaha, true.
Stranger: You don’t “feel” it though.
You: and that would flip. me. the freak. out.
Stranger: Until about 3,000 feet…at 3k, you begin to notice ground rush
You: eeeeeeeeeeeeek
Stranger: You should try it!
You: seriously, I would pee and vomit all at the same time
Stranger: Try a tandem
Stranger: Haha…one dude I know vomited and passed out in freefall
You: the other person in the tandem would have pee and vomit all over them
You: omg
You: that would so be me
Stranger: He’s lucky, he was jumping with an instructor in the AFF program
You: holy crap
Stranger: Also, when you jump, you use what’s called an AAD
Stranger: Automatic Activation Device
You: I know my husband would love to do it
Stranger: It opens your reserve canopy automatically at a certain height
You: he’s talked about it
You: but I refuse to even let him entertain the idea for as long as he’s married to me. Because I would freak.
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: You’re more likely to die driving 800 miles than skydiving
You: but then again, this is a guy who also wants to run with the bulls in spain
Stranger: and tandem fatalities are even rarer than that
You: which is the singlemost stupid thing anyone could ever do ever
Stranger: Oooh yeah
Stranger: Hahaha
You: Well, my naked friend, this has seriously been one of the best omegle conversations ever. Like, I think there should be some way to submit it to Omegle for a “best conversation” prize or something. But I’m tired, because I’m almost 40, so I probably am going to go to bed.
Stranger: Hahaha
Stranger: Alright, Mockerena.
You: g’night!
Stranger: Sleep tight!
THE END
Anyway, my point here is that you never really know when you might have an interesting conversation with someone who immediately shows you their junk. Also of note – back when we had our old commenting system here at COTR, The Naked Guy DID, in fact, comment a few times. I wonder now what became of him, and hope he’s still jumping out of planes. Maybe he’s found himself a nice girl to show his junk to, so that he doesn’t have to randomly show it to strangers in Omegle chats. Maybe he’s even a conservative now! You never know!
I think the reason I was ever in HR is because, as you’ve now seen, I have a really keen interest in understanding what makes people do the stuff they do. It would have been super easy to just immediately disconnect from that chat as soon as The Naked Guy flashed me, but then I would have missed out on the skydiving stories, and the shared disdain of Ashley Judd.
Anyway, I figured we could all use a bit of a diversion from the craptacularity of the news right now. Hope you enjoyed! Have you ever chatted on line with a stranger? Discuss!