I Chatted With A Stranger Online Once Who Showed Me His Junk And Here’s The Transcript

Have you heard of Omegle? It’s basically a site where you can just go randomly have convos with strangers. It’s like a giant sociological experiment.  Waaaaaay back in the day, I had another site where I posted all kinds of mockery of celebrities and freakshows and random stories about all kinds of nothing, and somehow, I ended up thinking it’d be fun if I were able to have random chats with strangers and post transcripts of the conversations. I ended up having at least 2-3 conversations that were actually legit delightful, and the audience at the time seemed to enjoy reading the transcripts. But this one stood out, because of the nakedness.

BEHOLD (I am the “You” in this chat, and the stranger is…well, the stranger).  Also warning – some sexual content:

Stranger: Hey

Stranger: How are you?

You: I’m well, and you?

Stranger: I’m well too

You: excellent

Stranger: Very cool

Stranger: Where ya from?

Stranger: England?

Narrator Note:  Omegle is (or at least was – I have no idea what it’s like these days) very very popular in England.  I also had a chat back in the day with a lovely 17 year old student who taught me really awesome British slang words like “poofter” and “tosser.”  So it’s actually not altogether odd that this particular stranger asked if I was from England.

You: Indiana

Stranger: Sweet

Stranger: (naked photo)<– That’s me

Narrator Note:  I didn’t save the photo of his junk.  Sorry. 🙂  But it was literally just a picture of his junk.  Close up.  

You: that’s you, huh?

Stranger: Yeah

You: where are you from?

Stranger: North Carolina

You: so, is it standard practice for you to share naked pics of yourself within the first 2 seconds of a conversation with a stranger?

Stranger: Yeah, mostly

You: and what is the typical reaction when you do that?

Stranger: Either disgust, interest, or some combination of the two

You: what do you HOPE will be the reaction?

Stranger: (pic of a girl’s boobs) <– this

Narrator Note:  I also didn’t save the pic of the boobs.  Sorry. 🙂

You:  So like, if a girl then sends you a pic of her boobs, then what?

Stranger: I beat off, usually.  And consider my day a success

You: But why come here to do that? Why not just look at porn? I’m fascinated by this.

Stranger: Pornography is so staged.

You: surely there’s natural looking porn out there

Stranger: The girls are fake, the tits are fake…I can’t suspend disbelief

You: so it’s the interaction that you’re looking for?

Stranger: Not particularly.  It’s the knowledge of absolute authenticity

You: Oh. Well, that’s honest. This is a learning moment for me

Stranger: There’s always this sense of an artificial fourth wall in porn. I just can’t build it.

You: Well, I’m terribly sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have random naked pics of me readily available to share.

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: It’s okay

Stranger: Are you even female?

You: yes, I am

You: BUT I’m like, really old

Narrator Note: This conversation took place in the summer of 2009, back when I thought I was old but was actually not.  Because I am freaking ANCIENT now.  

You: I’m probably in “cougar” territory even

Stranger: I’m actually attracted to cougars =)

You: really – and what age do you think an attractive cougar can max out at?

Stranger: Honestly?

You: sure

Stranger: 50

You: wow

You: Even I think that’s old

Stranger: Well

Stranger: I’ve seen some 50-year-olds that I’m quite attracted to

Stranger: Pamela Anderson

You: well, that’s refreshing.

You: pam anderson’s not anywhere close to 50

Stranger: I shouldn’t have said that

Stranger: Tilda Swinton

You: GET OUT

Stranger: She’s 48

You: but she looks like the dude from the movie Powder

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: In the Narnia movies I found her oddly attractive

You: wow – I never would have put Pam Anderson and Tilda Swinton in the same category

Stranger: I don’t

Stranger: I shouldn’t have said Pam Anderson

Stranger: I’m really not attracted to her at all

You: how old are you?

Stranger: 22

You: and do you have a relationship with a woman right now?

Stranger: Not at the moment

Stranger: If I did I’d be railing her

You: why don’t you have a relationship?

Stranger: Well, my last relationship was rather harsh

You: harsh how

Stranger: Didn’t end well

Stranger: At all

Stranger: With a lot of hurt feelings

Stranger: When I’m in a relationship I tend to get too emotionally attached. I’m not needy–somewhat the opposite–but I do kinda fall easily.

You: nothing wrong with that unless you’re a cling-on

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: I’m not a cling-on

You: so who messed up?

Stranger: I ended it, and I’m glad I ended it.

Stranger: But it was still difficult…I guess that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.

You: how long was it?

You: the relationship

Stranger: 8 months

You: so when you’re not omegling and sending naked pics of yourself to strangers, what are you doing? Like – in life?

Stranger: Well

Stranger: I’m a skydiver

You: get out

Stranger: That’s really my true passion

You: for real?

Stranger: Yes

You: you jump out of the sky

Stranger: I jump a Triathlon 160

You: how many times have you done that?

Stranger: with a Mirage M4 container

Stranger: I’m just a beginner…22 jumps so far

You: I have no idea what you just said – but I’m sure that’s really cool.

Stranger: I’m a fan of rock climbing

You: you have jumped out of the sky TWENTY TWO TIMES????

You: that is insane

Stranger: Haha

Stranger: It’s really not much

Stranger: I jump with a guy with about 10,000 jumps

You: wow

Stranger: He was a pro for a while

You: wait

You: you can make money jumping out of the sky?

Stranger: IS a pro, I guess–he’s an instructor

Stranger: Yes you can

Stranger: Being an instructor

Stranger: and exhibition jumps

You: I had no idea

You: What do you do for work?

Stranger: Software engineer

Stranger: Typical, I know

You: do you like it?

Stranger: I do

Stranger: I’ve always been a logical person

You: You sound quite logical

Stranger: And that’s really perfect for software engineering

You: you’re like spock. Only naked.

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: I like Star Trek as well

Stranger: Though I’m more of a TNG guy

You: I’m almost embarrassed that I know what that stands for

Stranger: Actually I’ve been watching some of the original episodes lately. Really enjoyed them.

You: so do people use omegle to actually develop relationships ever, do you think?

Stranger: Hahaha, nah

Stranger: Well

You: or do you think they just like the 15 minute intro

Stranger: I’m sure it’s happened

You: and that’s it

You: like – how crazy would it be if some married couple was like, “We met on omegle!”

Stranger: I don’t ALWAYS send my dick to people

Stranger: It’s half-trolling

You: How do you choose who you’re going to send it to?

Stranger: Coin flip.

Stranger: Haha, not really

You: Ah. So I just got lucky then.

Stranger: I don’t know. Whenever I feel like it, I guess

You: Well, you’ll be pleased to know that yours is the first dick I’ve been shown on omegle.

You: So I guess my omegle cherry has been broken

Stranger: Well I feel honored.

Stranger: Exactly….I’m now the owner of your omegle-dick-virginity

Stranger: So

Stranger: How old are you?

You: 39

Stranger: Nice

You: for real too – like I’m not just saying 39

You: you know – like women will do in their 40’s when they WANT to be 39

You: BUT I am turning 40 in 19 days

Stranger: Hahaha I believe you. You’re much more intelligent than the average Omegle’r…that usually comes from maturity.

Stranger: There are lots of cute 40-year-olds

You: Well, happily I don’t feel 39

Stranger: Very cool

Stranger: I’d like to see ya.

You: Well, I’m all private and a total goober about stuff like that though

Stranger: I won’t share =)

You:  I could tell you the name of my blog, and lumped in there in a few different places is pics/video of me

You: Just go to (old website)

Stranger: Mockerena?

You: yup!

You: that’s me

Stranger: Holy hell

Stranger: You’re very cute

Stranger: You should send me something more risque.

You: I don’t have anything more risque, because I’m a sweet pure and chaste girl

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: Aaaah, you’re beautiful, but I think this angel might have a demon’s horns under her halo ;-

You: well, you might be right about that, but I AM married, you see, so only my husband gets to see the horns.

Stranger: Aaaaaaaaah, unlucky for me.

Stranger: Lucky for him, though. Very lucky.

You: now see – that’s just silly, because you yourself said that no one here actually gets into relationships

You: it’s just chatter!!

Stranger: Hahaha, I’m not after a relationship

You: I didn’t figure you were, seeing as how I was introduced to your penis in the first 5 seconds of this conversation.

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: That is generally one of those red flags

Stranger: …really in any situation

You: you’re funny

Stranger: Haha, you too. I’ve been browsing your site.

You: you’ll notice I’m not a fan of Ashley Judd

Stranger: Ashley Judd has fans?

You: HA

You: I knew I liked you for a reason

Stranger: If I meet someone who has something more than the intelligence of a rock, I pretty much assume that Ashley Judd/Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton/<insert spoiled drug whore here> fandom is out the window.

You: That’s probably a pretty good system

Stranger: It’s yet to fail

Stranger: So what do you do for a living, Mockerena?

Narrator Note:  Again, this was back in 2009, when I had a whole other regular corporate job. 

You: I work in Human Resources

Stranger: Oh God

You: what?

You: is that bad?

Stranger: Haha…as an engineer, HR departments are second on the list of “most hated entities at work”

You: OMG I know

You: but I am like the most unusual HR person ever

Stranger: You’re just below Marketing

Stranger: I work at an HR company, actually and our HR department is just awful

Stranger: What’s your company’s core business?

You: consulting

Stranger: Software?

You: nope – management

Stranger: Aaaah, very cool

Stranger: So the type of people who use the words “synergy” and “workflow priorities”

You: TOTALLY

You: omg

You: laughing so hard right now

You: and they say, “let’s make that presentation sexier”

Stranger: (Management is #3 on the list)

Stranger: So I’m curious

Stranger: Who do you guys use for background checking?

You: You know what? i have no idea – that’s not my area

Stranger: Workplace screening, onboarding, that sort of thing.

Stranger: Aaah, I see

You: I mostly deal with recruiting and benefits

Stranger: Shit, I meant employee screening

Stranger: I was trying to throw a sales pitch to you

You: I could tell.

Stranger: I usually begin sales pitches with pictures of genitalia.

You: first time ever that a software engineer has tried to sell something to me by showing their penis

You: you’re hilarious

Stranger: I guess you haven’t met many software engineers

You:  Hey – since you’re a young 20-something, does that mean that you’re one of those obama-loving liberals?

Stranger: Hmm.

Stranger: I’m a person who thinks about his political beliefs and chooses what he feels is best. Currently, those do lie left of center.

You: ok – well crap, I was going to tell you about my other site – but you’ll probably hate it

Stranger: The bailouts are really bothering me.

You: HATE the bailouts

You: don’t even get me started

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: I’d love to see the site

You: chicksontheright.com

Stranger: I hate hippies

Stranger: And I hate people who think Obama’s a rock star

You: ME TOO

Stranger: Because it makes other liberals look stupid

You: You sound like a very reasonable left of center person

You: and you should TOTALLY comment there too

Stranger: However…I also hate right-wingers who cling to their bibles and tell me what I can and can’t do in my bedroom

Stranger: It’s the social conservatism that gets me

Stranger: More than anything, I value civil discourse

You: then you should DEFINITELY comment on chicksontheright.com

Stranger: Do you know if it’s Websensed?

You: what’s websensed?

Stranger: Aaah…nevermind

You: no – tell!

Stranger: Blocked by internet filtering software

Stranger: So I can visit at work

You: oh – I can’t imagine that it is

Stranger: That’s when I do a lot of my catching up on blogs

You: I’m sure you can see it

Stranger: Very cool

You: So – if you do decide to comment,what name will you use so I know it’s you?

Stranger: The Naked Guy

You: PERFECT

You: YAY!

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: I’m an environmentalist, but the kind that fucking hates the word “environmentalist” and hates Greenpeace

Stranger: I’m STRONGLY pro-genetically modified foods

Stranger: and STRONGLY pro-nuclear

You: OMG – have you seen the youtube video of the people crying over trees?

Stranger: Hahaha

You: it’s hysterical

Stranger: Oh god

Stranger: Those people aren’t environmentalists

You: I love those tree crying people.

Stranger: Nuclear’s green energy. Nobody realizes that

You: But cap and trade? Total farce.

Stranger: Here’s the reason I like cap-and-trade….green energy HAS to be made financially viable, or nobody will use it

Stranger: That’s the basis of capitalism, really

Stranger: Cap-and-trade allows some industries that HAVE to pollute to continue polluting…however, provides economic encouragement to cut their emissions

Stranger: Plus, it gives us a means to regulate the total amount of pollutant in the country

You: but it’s not encouragement so much as it is penalties

You: and it directly affects the consumers

You: by increasing energy costs by a whole bunch

You: so it’s disingenuous when Obama says he’s cutting taxes for 95% of people

You: when our power bills are about to skyrocket

Stranger: I don’t know if they’ll skyrocket…and “disingenuous” is the name of the political game

Stranger: You’d love our governor (I lied about being from Georgia or wherever…I’m really from SC)

Stranger: Good ol’ Mark Sanford

You: I think you said NC

Stranger: Aaaah

Stranger: Well

Stranger: I lied

Stranger: When you’re naked, it’s best to be discreet about your location

You: HA

You: did you ever think you’d get on omegle tonight, flash your penis, and then end up talking politics?

Stranger: I did not

Stranger: But on the other hand

Stranger: Did you think you’d get on omegle tonight, GET flashed, and then end up talking politics?

You: exactly

You: LOVE

Stranger: Hahaha

You: Somehow, I feel like I got the better end of the deal.

You: I cannot get over the fact that you’ve jumped out of the sky

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: It’s addictive

You: I am totally afraid of heights

Stranger: Y’know…at 14,000 feet, you can’t even tell how high you are.

You: but you can tell you’re HIGH

Stranger: Hahaha, true.

Stranger: You don’t “feel” it though.

You: and that would flip. me. the freak. out.

Stranger: Until about 3,000 feet…at 3k, you begin to notice ground rush

You: eeeeeeeeeeeeek

Stranger: You should try it!

You: seriously, I would pee and vomit all at the same time

Stranger: Try a tandem

Stranger: Haha…one dude I know vomited and passed out in freefall

You: the other person in the tandem would have pee and vomit all over them

You: omg

You: that would so be me

Stranger: He’s lucky, he was jumping with an instructor in the AFF program

You: holy crap

Stranger: Also, when you jump, you use what’s called an AAD

Stranger: Automatic Activation Device

You: I know my husband would love to do it

Stranger: It opens your reserve canopy automatically at a certain height

You: he’s talked about it

You: but I refuse to even let him entertain the idea for as long as he’s married to me. Because I would freak.

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: You’re more likely to die driving 800 miles than skydiving

You: but then again, this is a guy who also wants to run with the bulls in spain

Stranger: and tandem fatalities are even rarer than that

You: which is the singlemost stupid thing anyone could ever do ever

Stranger: Oooh yeah

Stranger: Hahaha

You: Well, my naked friend, this has seriously been one of the best omegle conversations ever. Like, I think there should be some way to submit it to Omegle for a “best conversation” prize or something. But I’m tired, because I’m almost 40, so I probably am going to go to bed.

Stranger: Hahaha

Stranger: Alright, Mockerena.

You: g’night!

Stranger: Sleep tight!

THE END

Anyway, my point here is that you never really know when you might have an interesting conversation with someone who immediately shows you their junk.  Also of note –  back when we had our old commenting system here at COTR, The Naked Guy DID, in fact, comment a few times.  I wonder now what became of him, and hope he’s still jumping out of planes. Maybe he’s found himself a nice girl to show his junk to, so that he doesn’t have to randomly show it to strangers in Omegle chats. Maybe he’s even a conservative now! You never know!

I think the reason I was ever in HR is because, as you’ve now seen, I have a really keen interest in understanding what makes people do the stuff they do.  It would have been super easy to just immediately disconnect from that chat as soon as The Naked Guy flashed me, but then I would have missed out on the skydiving stories, and the shared disdain of Ashley Judd.

Anyway, I figured we could all use a bit of a diversion from the craptacularity of the news right now.  Hope you enjoyed!  Have you ever chatted on line with a stranger?  Discuss!