This Is An Actual Article Written By An Actual Person And I Seriously Can’t.

OMG.

If you clicked on that link, you’d end up at the school newspaper for Louisiana State – it’s called the Daily Reveille.  And there, you’d see a headline that reads as follows:

It’s a piece written by Lynne Bunch, who clearly needs more homework, or fewer women’s studies classes, or a hobby, or just a life in general, because DAYUM.

In her column, Lynne claims that women are “ridiculed and ostracized” if they cannot meet “modern-day eyebrow standards.”

Ladies – raise your hand if you’ve been ridiculed and ostracized for not following current eyebrow standards.

If your hand is raised, you’re probably a millennial (or younger) and/or you need to find a new social group.

According to Lynne, there’s a new trend with eyebrows that I haven’t yet seen, but it’s a trend nonetheless, and it’s to have the “no eyebrow look.”  Lynne points to celebs like Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry having bleached brows in some photo shoots, as well as fashion models with “ghost eyebrows” on the runway.  This is upsetting to Lynne, because “none of the women showing off these looks would voluntarily live their lives without eyebrows.”  Just think of people who’ve lost their brows to cancer, Lynne writes.  Or that weird disorder where you pull out your own body hair!  Society is so mean to people without eyebrows!

Lynne writes:

Kendall Jenner is one of the many models who sported no eyebrows on the runway. Though she used that trend at a show, she is uneducated on what it’s like to live without eyebrows on a long term basis.

“When I was younger, on a totally weird whim, I plucked out all of my eyebrows,” Jenner said in a blog post on her website. “Thankfully, they grew back, but my sisters flipped OUT.”

She’s uneducated, you guys, and Lynne wants Kendall to know that most people who suffer from trichotillomania pull out their own eyebrows for most of their WHOLE LIVES, so it’s super insulting for Kendall to talk about it like it’s a “weird whim.”

Again, this is an Actual Article in an Actual Student Newspaper.

And then comes my favorite part.  Lynne writes:

Current American eyebrow culture also shows a prime example of the cultural appropriation in the country. The trend right now is thick brows, and although a lot of ethnic women have always had bushy, harder-to-maintain eyebrows, it has only become trendy now that white women have started to do it.

Wait.  I thought she was mad about the no-eyebrow look, and now she’s complaining that thick brows are culturally appropriative?  How are we supposed to meet these impossible standards that Lynne is setting?  What kind of brows are we supposed to have?  And furthermore, WTF is “current American eyebrow culture?”

Lynne clearly has issues that extend waaaaaay beyond her brows:

As a woman who will probably never have the eyebrows people want me to have, I know I must rock the eyebrows I have been given. Eyebrow culture is too intense and too unforgiving, and a person’s beauty should be defined by the individual, not by what society considers trendy.

It’s so intense, you guys.  Eyebrow culture is so. freaking. intense.

These are our future leaders.  God help us all.