I Just Read About A Woman Putting Worms Into Her LadyParts And I Need You To Know About It With Me.

OMG.

So, before anyone asks me, “Hey, Mock – what in the world were you googling in order to land on a page that told you about a woman putting earthworms in her vag?” I’m just gonna tell you right now how I got there, because I don’t want anyone thinking I have some weird fetish.  I don’t.  I was actually reading an article about how women are resorting to pretending to fart at the gym in order to keep dudes from hitting on them, and off to the side was this:

You guys, there was NO WAY I wasn’t going to click on that.

Apparently, some dude sent in a letter to one of those advice column thingies asking Dan Savage for help in dealing with one of his partner’s fetishes.  He wrote, “One of the things she’s into is formicophilia (a sexual interest in being crawled on or nibbled by insects. I offered to get some ants and worms to crawl on her body while I f*** her, but she wants me to put earthworms in her vagina. Is there a safe way to do this? Female condom? I want to help, but putting worms in your vagina seems like it will end with an embarrassing trip to the ER.”

I guess props to him for showing a reasonable level of concern for his partner’s well being, but I have to know from our male readers – is this the kind of chick you’d spend time writing to advice columnists for?  Because DAYUM.  She seems really high maintenance.  And also psychotic.

Anyway, according to the sourcelink, Formicophilia includes people finding sexual pleasure from being stung by bees, too.  And hilariously, the author of the column, Ellen Scott,  insists that we shouldn’t dismiss Formicophilia as “weird or gross.”

Whoops.  Too late.

Ellen writes:

People’s sexual preferences are Personal, and it’s tough when you’re made to feel like a freak for something you feel you can’t help enjoying.

Yeah, but the same case could be made for pedophilia, or necrophilia, or beastiality, or any number of other disgusting fetishes.  If you like those things, I’m sorry if this is tough to hear,  but YOU ARE A FREAK.

Ellen went on to offer all kinds of advice about how to proceed with the worm thing, and it should be noted that she is very concerned about the lives of the potential worm victims.  #wormlivesmatter.

In the case of placing worms into the vagina, there are quite a few risks. For one, earthworms are unlikely to survive being placed into the vagina, where they will get squished or suffocated fairly speedily. So someone indulging in this fetish would need to live with the knowledge that they’ve taken another being’s life for their sexual pleasure.

But Ellen is also concerned for the ladyparts:

It’s unlikely that earthworms will be clean, as, well, they live in soil…The fragility of worms could also mean that small pieces of their bodies end up left in their vagina once the sexual act has been completed. Leaving any foreign object in the vagina can lead to irritation, damage, and infection, disrupting the vagina’s delicate pH balance.

But listen, formicophiliacs – Ellen has some alternatives for you to try, so no worries.  Look how helpful she is!

You could put worms into a condom to protect against bacteria and so on, but this may take away from the experience, as you wouldn’t feel the worms against your skin and the worms would almost immediately suffocate, meaning they wouldn’t wriggle. Which might defeat the point. Some alternative options would be to focus on the fantasy aspect. A blindfold and dirty talk to set the scene could help to make fingers feel more like worms, or you could wriggle a cat o nine tails against the clitoris to create a safe version of the sensation. Gummy worms may seem like an obvious option, but anything sugary puts your vagina at risk of a yeast infection, so it’s best avoided unless you’re okay with using a condom. Another food alternative (that would still require a condom so as not to disrupt the vagina’s healthy bacteria), suggested by a reader of this debacle, would be warm spaghetti. Formicophiliacs could also satisfy their urges by engaging in insect play externally, such as allowing bugs to crawl over the nipples or stomach, before continuing on to have insect-free sex. Just try to make sure you don’t roll over on to the bugs unless you’ve really weighed up the ethics of squashing a life for the sake of your orgasm.

This was Actual Advice.

Do people not just have normal sex anymore?