Family Psychologist Suggests We Prevent Kids From Having ‘Best Friends’

I should’ve known what a pile of crap I was getting into with this intro.

I am always fascinated by trends. And I am especially intrigued by the emerging trend among European schools, and now some American schools as well, to ban best friends.

Thanks but no thanks. I’m not interested in following European trends. In fact, we should do the the complete OPPOSITE of them. Come on now. Why on earth does anyone believe it’s a good idea to “ban best friends”?

Basically, the author of that post, Barbara Greenberg, thinks we should try to ban the concept, because too many kids get their feeeeeeeeeelings hurt. If a kid has a “best” friend, the other kids feel left out.

This, to me, seems like a Herculean task. The notion of choosing best friends is deeply embedded in our culture. Nonetheless, there is, in my opinion, merit to the movement to ban having best friends.

Certainly in life we all benefit from having close friends and confidantes – those who really get us. On the other hand, there is something dreadfully exclusionary occurring when a middle schooler tells the girl sitting next to her that she is best friends with the girl sitting in front of them. Of course, this scenario plays out in a variety of ways, but child after child comes to my therapy office distressed when their best friend has now given someone else this coveted title.

This is completely absurd. Everyone has “best friends” as kids. I had several. Sometimes I was the best friend, other times I wasn’t. Who cares. Big deal. It’s life. It’s completely absurd to ban the entire concept simply because certain kids can’t mentally deal with not being a certain person’s best friend. Deal with it, buttercup.

Greenberg goes on to explain that the term “best friend” is “inherently exclusionary.”

I am a huge fan of social inclusion. The phrase best friend is inherently exclusionary.

Do we really want to go down the road of banning things that are “inherently exclusionary”? Wanna know something else that falls in that category? Grades. So sure. Let’s ban “best friends” and distribute average grades to everyone. Then no one will feel bad EVER!

Among children and even teens, best friends shift rapidly. These shifts lead to emotional distress and would be significantly less likely if our kids spoke of close or even good friends rather than best friends. And, if kids have best friends, does that also imply that they have “worst friends?” A focus on having best friends certainly indicates there’s an unspoken ranking system; and where there is a ranking system, there are problems. I see kids who are never labeled best friends, and sadly, they sit alone at lunch tables and often in their homes while others are with their best friends.

“Best friends” are your go-to. It’s who you feel closer to. You can’t force yourself to be “best friends” with someone who is truly only acquaintance material. Not everyone is compatible. Personalities don’t always mesh. If everyone is your best friend, no one is.

That’s exactly the point. She doesn’t believe in the “ranking system.”

My hope is that if we encourage our kids to broaden their social circles, they will be more inclusive and less judgmental. The word “best” encourages judgment and promotes exclusion.

No it doesn’t. It signifies that someone is especially close to you. The end.

I am not, however, an advocate of encouraging kids to have huge groups of friends. What I would like to see instead is children having a smaller group of close friends. In fact, there is research suggesting that adolescents who have a small group of close friends fare better emotionally than those who are part of a larger social circle. Perhaps those who are part of a large group lack closeness and are socializing primarily with acquaintances.

She’s really overthinking this.

Many of you will suggest that our kids should toughen up and will become hardier if they learn to deal with the natural shifts in friendships that are inevitable. Perhaps, there is some truth to that. However, I am concerned about the bigger picture, which includes the pain associated with exclusion and the gentle comfort associated with inclusion.

Yet another reason to never send my future kids to public school. This is ridiculous.

You are kidding? It is none of the schools "BeeWax" (as we used to say). My best friends from kindergarten are still my best freinds.

— Ralph (@Feabite) January 6, 2018

I keep hearing that homeschooling my kids will make them awkward, and that only a prison run by animals who think up things like this will properly "socialize" them. https://t.co/1FSNa7pu3X

— Mr X the Ever-Living (@GlomarNeverDies) January 6, 2018

This idea is totally misguided. We should force kids to have *tiers* of friends. They can have up to three "very close" friends. Up to four "close friends." Eight "buddies" and up to 12 "acquaintances." Then tax parents if their children exceed quotas.

— Brett Smiley (@brettsmiley) January 7, 2018

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— Goodnight Gracie 👠 (@nightowl197395) January 6, 2018

No, Barbara. There is zero merit to this idea. Stop pretending otherwise.

— (((Ken Brown))) (@K_P_Brown) January 6, 2018

She can’t. She’s too fascinated by her own intellect to see otherwise.

Should we ban reading too, so the kids who can’t read won’t feel bad?

— Ian Oliver (@ioliver8) January 7, 2018

Probably.

Front runner for worst take of 2018 so far. Congrats.

— Patrick (@PatrickMCausey) January 7, 2018

We’re only a week in. I’m sure there will be more ridiculous ideas coming our way.

The notion that avoiding children’s pain somehow eliminates it is ridiculous. This participation award mentality prevents kids from developing coping skills to deal with pain.

— D-Note (@WB321123) January 7, 2018

Exactly. We’re creating snowflakes.

This is actually the worst thing I’ve ever read

— Ellen Degenerate (@elrnlds101) January 7, 2018

Yes, and also ban having favorite colors and favorite foods.

— An American Patriot (@Onelifetogive) January 7, 2018

Great idea! Yellow doesn’t get enough credit.

News flash Barbara…for all of us who grew up when teachers still taught we managed to put a man on the moon. Today where we rank globally in math & science is a joke. But sure let's focus on whether best friends are bad for kids.

— Valerie Principi (@ValeriePrincipi) January 6, 2018

If I don’t have a best friend, then who’s gonna know where the bodies are buried? January 6th and we already have the most asinine article of the year.

— Valencia (@VeeeKaaay) January 7, 2018

This is just another GREAT reason to homeschool and not place your children into an environment of social experimentation.

— Jim (@WontComply) January 7, 2018

Proposed by Liberals that generally don’t have friends let alone a best one

— Randy (@sunnheat) January 7, 2018

Yeah– ’cause they’re too into themselves to care about anyone else.

This may be the dumbest thing I have ever read. Let's just ban a social construct in school because of the problem kids she sees, rather than work towards helping her patients adjust or build friendships.

— MJ's Lair (@mjrod) January 7, 2018

Because some kids are getting their feelings hurt, everyone else must change their behavior. That’s her logic.

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— B (@Garv17) January 6, 2018

That unsophsticated monkey sums up my feelings entirely.