The Church Of Satan Doesn’t Want Anything To Do With Hillary Clinton And Her Spiritual Aspirations

Since Hillary Clinton can’t be President of the United States, she’s moving on to the next best thing. She’s thinking about becoming a spiritual leader! A preacher, more specifically. I don’t know who told her that was a good idea, but whoever it is needs to undergo a psychiatric evaluation ASAP.

Apparently, Hillz told her pastor Bill Shillady that she wants to preach it up. She has spiritual, life-giving wisdom she needs to bestow on the next generation.

This isn’t a new idea, either. According to Newsweek’s Kenneth Woodward, Hillary seriously considered becoming an ordained Methodist minister back in 1994. However, she asked him not to write about it at the time, allegedly telling him, “It will make me seem much too pious.”

Here are Actual Words spoken by her Actual Pastor. I’m assuming he said them with a straight face.

“Given her depth of knowledge of the Bible and her experience of caring for people and loving people, she’d make a great pastor,” Shillady told me. No, she probably won’t go to seminary, he said. No, she probably won’t pursue an official lay position in the Methodist church, like deaconess. (I reached out to Clinton’s spokespeople for comment, but didn’t hear back.) “I think it would be more of … her guest preaching at some point,” he said. “We have a long history of lay preachers in the United Methodist Church.”

Her depth of knowledge of the Bible? Seriously? Hillary Clinton has that? PLEASE. You know the scripture, “You will know them by their fruits”? Hillary’s are rotted. She shows no signs of discernment, and she knowingly lies like it’s her day job. 

Since the election, “I think her faith is stronger,” Shillady added. “I haven’t noticed anything different, except that I think she is more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her.” Maybe after all these years of hard-scrabble politics, Clinton is finally becoming a more straightforward version of herself: a woman whose fondest ambition is teaching scripture in church.

Listen– I can’t stand Hillary Clinton, but it’s true. The blood of Jesus can redeem anyone.  Even the most unlovable and undeserving. That’s one of my favorite things about the men and women God used in the Bible. They were massive screw ups.

It’s possible that she’s had or could have some sort of life-changing Jesus moment, but I remain skeptical. As for her pastor’s observation that she seems more relaxed, I’m attributing that to valium. That’s far more likely.

In related news, the Church of Satan came out and basically admitted it wants nothing to do with Hillary Clinton.

I thought that she was already running the church of satan.

— Okayred (@Okayred) August 8, 2017

No, she’s a Methodist. Take it up with them.

— The Church Of Satan (@ChurchofSatan) August 8, 2017

DANG. Even the Church of SATAN doesn’t want to be associated with her. That’s pretty bad.