New Progressive Book–’The Pumpkin And The Pantsuit’– Explains The 2016 Election To Kids

Are you waking up in sweats in the middle of the night over the fact that Donald Trump won the election and is now President of the United States? Are you still trying to figure out how to explain this “unfortunate” turn of events to your children? No– not you, COTR readers. You guys are rational human beings with Actual Jobs and Actual Parenting Skills. You have far more important things to do. But the progressives– like those planning on skipping work on March 8th to protest the patriarchy– have nothing better to do. In an odd way, internalized grief fuels them.

Good news for you, you self-loathing wack jobs. There’s a book out there specifically designed to explain the 2016 election outcome to the future snowflakes you’re raising. It’s titled, “The Pumpkin and The Pantsuit” and was created by the ad agency barrettSF.

“Our inspiration was two-fold,” Jamie Barrett, one of the book’s authors and Executive Creative Director at barettSF, told The Huffington Post. “The first was witnessing Donald Trump pull off the unthinkable and become the president of our country. The second was the question posed by Van Jones, ‘How do I explain this election to my children?’ We thought it was a good question, and tried to come up with an answer.”

Thus, this ridiculous book was born. And no. I’m not pre-judging. This book is more bent than an MSNBC panel.

The lead illustrator, Mike Ocas, described the Pumpkin as “a petulant bully who desperately craves attention.” But the Pantsuit? The Pantsuit is a “more complex character and the true protagonist.”

“She’s peppy and a bit of an overachiever seeking validation from her peers,” Ocasio told the HuffPo.

The Pantsuit is the hero. Because of course.

“If I get to live in the White House, I’ll ask super rich people to share more with not-super rich people,” the Pantsuit exclaims.

The Pantsuit also promises to allow other Pantsuits to make its own choices. Because Lord knows all the Pantsuits want to abort the little Pantsuits inside of them? (I don’t even know what’s happening right now.)

But the Pumpkin is super scary and promised to “let super rich people spend their money rather than share it.” Which is…bad? Starting businesses and hiring people is incredibly selfish!

You get the idea. Pumpkin = bad. Pantsuit = good. There’s probably no mention that the Pantsuit is married to a serial Pantsuit abuser and the Pantsuit totally tried to destroy the other pretty Pantsuits to preserve her own power. There’s also nothing about how the Pantsuit’s a pathological liar who lined her pockets (pun totally intended) with a bogus charity designed to “help” other Pantsuits. And there’s nothing about the Pantsuit jeopardizing national security and so on. Pesky details.

The book explains that people were saaaaaaaaad and “bummed out” that the Pumpkin won the election, but it’s OK, because the Pantsuit “inspired the little pantsuits to believe that some day, very soon, one of them would live in the big white house.”

“For children, this message could be as simple as it sounds. You won’t always win, but you never lose as long as you don’t give up. Keep going, keep trying, keep believing,” Todd Esiner, one of the book’s authors and Creative Director at barettSF, told HuffPost. “For parents, the message may be a bit more pointed. The Pumpkin may not be the president you wanted to see, but look for the positive. Hillary Clinton may not have ‘won,’ but she inspired. The future is still everyone’s to shape, so carry on.”

Pretty sure they could get the message from “The Little Engine That Could,” but whatever. Horrifically enough, some people are buying this book and reading it to their toddlers OMG.

It MADE HER CRY. Can you even? Sounds like this book is helping more butthurt adults than children. I’ve never seen a group of adults so incapable of accepting and understanding the results of a presidential election. Good grief.