Netherlands to Authorize Paintball Fights with Overly Friendly Wolves

Okay, fine. No one has explicitly said that the wolves are going to get paintball guns. But that would just be an unfair fight otherwise, so I have to assume they’re getting them too.

Here’s what they DID say:

There are fears that wolves are becoming so unafraid of humans that they could become a serious danger.

The decision by the provincial government in Arnhem comes after a video posted on social media shows a wolf strolling past a family in the region’s Hoge Veluwe national park.

Paintballs have been chosen so that rangers can see which have been hit.

It is hoped that it will also encourage wolves to stay at least 30m (100ft) away from people.

To be honest, this is actually a pretty ingenious tactic. I hate to think of cute little nature dogs being inconvenienced, let alone getting ouchies, but it certainly beats most of the alternatives– especially considering concerns raised by a local environmental organization that park officials are feeding the wolves in an effort to get them classed as “problem animals,” which would allow them to be killed. (These allegations have been denied.)

And, lest you start packing your bags for the paintball fight of your life, be aware that this is NOT an open invitation.

The announcement from the local government does not mean that anyone with a paintball gun can head to the park and start firing at wolves. No date has yet been given for when the measure will start and it will be carried out by people [authorized] to do so.

Eh. I’d rather shoot paintballs at teenagers anyway.