ATTENTION TOWNSPEOPLE! Carving Pumpkins Is Now Bad For The Environment
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October 30, 2015It’s not enough that we have nosy liberal busybodies policing our Halloween costumes. It’s not enough that healthy eating nuts are shaming kids for eating too much trick-or-treat candy. Now liberal control freaks want to ruin pumpkin carving too?
(Of course they’d use their climate change cult to police this one.)
According to this, the Energy Department has informed the American public that their jack-o’-lanterns are causing that EEEEEEEVIL climate change. They got all cutesy and said “Ooooooh – Halloween pumpkins are LEGITIMATELY SCARY! Run and hide! Stop having fun!”
How scary are your jack-o’-lanterns? Scarier than you think, according to the Energy Department, which claims the holiday squash is responsible for unleashing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.
Most of the 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced in the U.S. end up in the trash, says the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the “more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste (MSW) produced in the United States every year.”
Municipal solid waste decomposes into methane, “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide,” Energy says.
Hold up – wait just one hot second. First of all, environmentalist nuts tell us to save our rotten vegetable matter in compost heaps in order to reduce wasted resources. But NOW you’re saying that those rotten veggies (which old jack-o’-lanterns qualify as) are actually harming the planet? MAKE UP YOUR FREAKING MINDS ALREADY!
Keep in mind that this is the same excuse they give for saying that cattle ranching harms the environment because cow farts create methane gas and excess CO2. Not as much as solar power plants, mind you.
The Energy Department does have a solution! That doesn’t exist yet, but… details. They want to someday have a facility where you can take you rotting old pumpkins and they can be burned for energy! (Wait… I thought fire was BAAAAAAD for the planet too!) But until that liberal paradise comes – watch out for that deadly pumpkin spice smell that’s going to roast the planet!
What’s next on your list of No-More Holiday Fun Times, liberals? Will pumpkin pies at Thanksgiving cause cancer?
