Johnny Depp Accuses His Ex-Wife Of “Intentionally Defecating” In Their Bed After A Fight

Sooooo here’s the thing, ladies: Being the “crazy chick” isn’t cool. SHOCKING, I know… but for some reason, a lot of people don’t get that.

For reasons I legitimately DO NOT understand, I’ve heard girls say crap like “If he tells me I’m acting crazy… I WILL SLASH HIS ‘EFFIN TIRES.” RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GUY.  I’ve known a couple who have ACTUALLY meant it.

Soooo…. if he calls you crazy… and you SLASH HIS TIRES….wasn’t he right all along? YOU ARE BATSH*T, DARLIN’.

Here are a few ground rules I think are pretty safe: Do NOT write about personal garbage with your man all over social media, do NOT b*tch about him to HIS friends, do NOT threaten any sort of violence or vandalism, do NOT contact his exes, do NOT poop in his bed…WAIT, WHAT?!

YOU HEARD IT RIGHT.

DO NOT USE HIS BED AS YOUR TOILET…NO MATTER HOW MAD YOU ARE.

Johnny Depp is accusing his ex-wife Amber Heard of “intentionally defecating” in their bed after a huge fight… she’s blaming it on the dog.

According to Daily Mail:

Amber Heard is accused of intentionally defecating in the marital bed she shared with Johnny Depp after a blazing row in the months leading up to their acrimonious separation and subsequent divorce.

Heard allegedly soiled the bed as a malicious prank after the Hollywood star arrived two-hours late for her 30th birthday party in April 2016, according to The Mirror.

That is PEAK crazy chick.

He was late for her birthday… so she CRAPPED THE BED?!

I mean… holy CRAP. Literally.

Sources claim the warring couple’s housekeeper discovered excrement on the sheets after Depp, 55, stormed out of their Los Angeles penthouse following a heated row.

I’m so, SO sorry for the housekeeper who looked after this pair of dirty lunatics. I mean, Johhny usually looks like he hasn’t showered in about six weeks. Now this?

It’s understood that ‘strong photographic evidence’ links Heard to the reported incident, while the actress has since claimed the fecal matter was left by their dog, Boo.

‘Strong photographic evidence’ she POOPED in the bed because she was p*ssed at her then husband.

Really, it sounds like the housekeeper ended up being the most aggrieved here… Can you imagine cleaning REVENGE POOP from your employer’s sheets?! NO THANK YOU.

Anyway, yeah. They’re blaming it on the dog:

A source told The Mirror: ‘Boo has some serious bowel control issues. There was never a joke, it wasn’t something done to be disrespectful.

‘It was an innocent thing, it’s what pets will do. We don’t have anything else to say. Ms. Heard is moving on and we do not want to engage in this nonsense.’

Here’s the thing… BOO IS A TEACUP YORKIE.

My mom has two Yorkies. (Geoff and George. They think they’re big boys despite weighing as much as a large squirrel… and it’s hilarious. I love those little scamps.) Let me tell you… there’s no mistaking their rabbit poops with a human’s. There’s just not. It’s impossible.

This isn’t the first dog problem the ex-couple has faced.

The dogs, Pistol and Boo, were last in the news when Heard flew them into Australia on a private jet without putting them through quarantine in 2015.

Depp’s ex-wife avoided jail time when she pleaded guilty to falsifying border protection documents when she imported the teacup Yorkshire terriers into Australia. Heard was handed a one-month good behavior bond and fined $1,000.

The couple also produced an apology video that was played in court, and later went viral. ‘When you disrespect Australian law,’ Depp deadpans in the video, ‘they will tell you firmly’.

Yeah… now watch their “apology” video and tell me these whackjobs aren’t insane enough to poop-fight each other.

Yeah… she totally did it.