Celebrities Who Are Irritating Me Today For Various And Sundry And Miscellaneous And Assorted Unrelated Reasons.

Can I be catty for a second?

(If you’re one of those anti-cattiness people who plans to lecture me about being catty, that was your cue to see yourself right off this post.)

So, I’m just going to tell you guys this stuff because it’s what I would tell Daisy or any other girlfriend if we were sitting around having cocktails, and since we started this site with the idea that we’d write the same way we would talk to each other if we were sitting around having cocktails, I feel like it’s OK to tell you the various and sundry and miscellaneous assorted unrelated reasons I’m irritated at a few, specific celebrities today.

Let’s begin with Kate Middleton, who just had her third baby.  When she emerged from the hospital, baby in tow, just HOURS after the birth, she looked like this:

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL.  How does she look so spectacularly stunning?

You guys don’t even wanna KNOW what I looked like after having my first kid.  I’d been in the hospital for a few days before he was born, in ICU, suffering from severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, and right after he was born, I was holding around 65 pounds of water weight, much of which was in my face.  The swelling was so bad that when my boss came to visit me the day after my son was born, she looked in my room, and kept walking, thinking she had the WRONG ROOM.  When she returned, she could hardly look at me.  I was HEINOUS.

After my second, it wasn’t much better, because once again I got pre-eclampsia and had to be on magnesium sulfate after my son was born, and if you’ve ever been on mag sulfate, you know that it makes you want to stab people in the face. It’s the most horrific drug ever, and it makes you feel disgusting in every way.  To make matters worse, I had some sort of weird hormone rage that caused me to develop cystic acne all over my face and shoulders.  So yeah, suffice it to say that I didn’t look as put together as Kate Middleton, who looks more like she just enjoyed a day at the spa than it does like she just gave birth.

Also, can we talk about Carrie Underwood?  Perhaps you heard that she’s basically been in hiding for months until recently, after suffering a fall and breaking her wrist and requiring 40+ stitches in her face.

I’ve been hearing about how worried she’s been about her face and what it’d look like after she healed.  She’d “warned” her fans weeks ago that could look “different,” even. And just within the last couple weeks, she’s finally emerged from hiding, but has still been super nervous to show herself to people, because of her TERRIBLE FRIGHTENING HORRIFIC SCARS.  I mean, just look at her, you guys.

SHE IS A MONSTER, obviously.

I’m annoyed by this entire ordeal.  She spoke about it to a bunch of radio dudes, including this one:

Anyway, here’s the thing, before all you Carrie fans go ballistic on me. I really adore her. I’m just annoyed that after 40 stitches in her face, she still looks like THAT MUCH PERFECTION. Are she and Kate Middleton simply not human? Is that what it is? Because I don’t get it.

Also. Did Jennifer Aniston get new boobs? Or have they always looked like this?

Listen – it’s fine if she got new boobs. But for crying out loud, does she not KNOW that they’re aggressively pointing at people?  And according to this, that’s what she wore to Jimmy Kimmel’s kid’s first birthday party.  Was she going to attempt to nurse him?  WTF.

Anyway, so concludes my cattiness about celebrities for today.  As you were.