This House On Zillow Has The Most Bizarre Description In The History Of Ever.

My sister sent this Zillow listing to me last night, and I cannot believe it’s actually real. Alas, people like this exist.

The house itself isn’t even important – it’s the DESCRIPTION of the house. It’s the absolute batsh*ttery of the seller, who has now had the home listed (for sale by owner, natch) for almost ONE THOUSAND DAYS.

The seller clearly doesn’t know how to stage a home for sale, which is obvious from the photos you can see at the listing. I mean, who DOES that? Who leaves cleaning supplies out on kitchen and bathroom counters when taking photos of the inside? Who leaves partially consumed Coke bottles on the kitchen counter in a photo meant to showcase the kitchen? Who takes pictures of dirty countertops instead of ACTUAL ROOMS IN THE HOUSE?

I’ll tell you who – this seller – that’s who.

Allow me to share an excerpt from the home’s description on Zillow. It reads in part:

“$220,000 NOT negotiable AS IS FSBO SALE !!! As of 6-1-23. It AMAZES ME that people are buying 1/4 acre UGLY lots with one car garaged houses in my neighborhood for more than I’m selling my house for. Don’t let your agents talk you into staying away from my house because it is a little more work for them or because THEY THINK I’m unreasonable…DO READ BOTH DESCRIPTIONS THOUGH!!!! AS IS SALE!!!$215,000 is NOT negotiable!!!!!!OR pay more with work needed allowance at closing… The house will need interior paint, carpet or flooring (carpet now mostly) and the roof is original, patched up and 23 years old but ALL are also still useable as is. IMO, This house is worth 250k PLUS (.47 acre of MOSTLY FLAT land and 2 car garage) with a 20k of a new roof, new paint and new carpeting or flooring (6-14-23).See Zillows latest sale on Idlebrook for $255k and compare it’s 1/4 acre lot to my .47 lot , house and location I WILL ALSO NEED UP TO 30 DAYS AFTER CLOSING AND PAYMENT TO MOVE OUT but that IS negotiable. This is a FOR SALE BY OWNER HOME BUT YOU WILL NEED AN AGENT TO VIEW THIS PROPERTY. Sorry but I’m NOT INTERESTED IN LETTING UNQUALIFIED STRANGERS IN MY HOUSE OR ON MY PROPERTY ESPECIALY WITHOUT AN AGENT AND READ ALL DESCRIPTIONS COMPLETELY… Compare MY house with 100 Remington Dr. down the street also and other houses SOLD recently for true values of this house.. $215,000 is NOT negotiable and that COULD/WILL? go up again very soon!!!!!!! since selling season/prime time is here … NO OWNER FINANCING!!!NO LEASING!!! OR CONTINGENCIES!! IMO, this is the most desirable home and lot in my neigborhood AND WAAAY under zestImated .THIS IS A ONE OWNER .47 acre lot GENTLY USED HOME!!! ONLY ONE SINGLE PERSON HAS EVER LIVED IN THIS HOME EVER besides me and my small family, the last 5 years or so!!! One bedroom has NEVER been slept in EVER.One person using the lights and plumbing (all wear and tear 1 person) for 20 years. The lot is .47 of an acre OF CLEARED USEABLE LAND not a 1/4 (close to half the land) or less of an acre like many of the lots NOT on my street and a few with bigger unusable steep incline wooded lots, on my street….LOCATION< LOCATION< LOCATION!!!! APPOINTMENT ONLY!!!!!!! DO NOT KNOCK ON THIS DOOR WITHOUT ONE !!!!!! SORRY, Im playing the long game MAYBE and not interested in strangers roaming through my world unannounced. Again, proof of being qualified is REQUIRED with institution letter head and verification with a banker or institutions name and number, BEFORE proceeding!!!, Emails or texts ONLY!!!… You’ll need to say in your message you’ve read this whole post to get a response also and emails are the best way to contact me.. Sorry for all the requirements but if you can work through them and land this house , I think you will be very happy you did. Remember, you will need to say you read BOTH description to get a response from me at all possibly.Sorry , i have a lot of spam and sneaky agents lurking around daily trying to get this listing and so far only one person or agent since I have had this house listed on Zillow has been smart enough to figure this out. :(“

via GIPHY

Y’ALL. That is freaking PSYCHO. Check out the manic changes in the home’s price just in the last several months, too:

That’s just the last couple months, y’all. The history goes back 995 days.

And the description above (which I had to cut down, by the way, for brevity – check out the whole listing at the link above), was just the FIRST PART. Here’s a bit of the second.

“APPOINTMENTS ONLY TO SEE THIS HOUSE!!! YOU will need an agent to see this house.Contact ME with proof of qualification to buy and then tell me your agents name and # and that they will contact me or I them. I am only listing FSBO because I am still living here and don’t want a lock box,strangers or starving and fishing for a listing agents in my house whenever it’s conveinent for them or an agent to tell me what to do (staging/cleaning, etc.) and then do 5 or 10 hours worth of MLS listing and paperwork , after telling me what low price I need to list it at, so they can do even less work… I need it to be conveinent for me. I WILL ONLY BE SHOWING THIS HOUSE IN THE AFTERNOONS between 2 and 4 .(Maybe later also?) … You better hurry and buy SOMETHING before the interest rates get higher. I’m not worried because more people will need cheaper houses to buy to afford a monthly payment If interested you will need to say you have read both descriptions to get a response from me . Sorry, I get tons of spam daily about my house. If you REALLY want my house and can afford it, you’ll get it and should be very happy you did. :)”

That’s just an excerpt, y’all.

via GIPHY

Would you EVER EVER EVER buy a house from that person EVER? Holy crap.